Studies show that when fathers are involved in the lives of their children, they learn more, perform better in school, and exhibit healthier behavior. Even when fathers do not share a home with their children, their active involvement can have a lasting and positive impact.
This is not the reality for many young Black boys. Analysts attribute increased crime and the decline of the Black family to the lack of fathers in the home. This issue was recently tackled in a two part series on Oprah’s Life Class.
Fatherless men tell their stories and experts give their opinions on the affects of the lack of fathers in the home and how men can heal and forgive.
Stories of the fatherless
At an early age, Richard Murphy Jr. was without a father.
“He moved on and had another family,” he said.
To provide for her family, Murphy’s mother had to work hard to put food on the table. That left Murphy unsupervised for long periods of time.
“I had my first sip of alcohol at age nine and started gang banging at 12,” he said.
Murphy would see his father once every few years typically at a relative’s home. He felt anger toward his biological father and found love and acceptance from men in his neighborhood. They taught him how to sell drugs and commit other crimes.
Fully immersed in the streets, Murphy was in and out of juvenile and went to the Indiana Department of Correction at age 18. He’s been in prison a total of six times primarily for drugs and theft.
“Growing up, I thought about my father a lot. I wanted him to be there to show me things like sports. I learned how to shave in prison. There was no one around to show me that or anything else positive,” he said. Today, Murphy is off parole and is working two jobs as a mechanic and a custodian.
Jamal Smith’s father was also absent from his life. At the age of five, he and Smith’s mother separated. She too had to work hard to provide for her family. Although she was absent, she had high expectations for her sons.
“She was convicted about things as it related to what she wanted for her boys. She didn’t want our circumstances to dictate what the end result would be. That turned into a non-negotiable list of guidelines and restrictions,” said Smith.
He recalls being awakened at 4 a.m. and given a list of instructions such as getting his brother prepared for school and orders to return home by a certain time.
As a kid, he sporadically saw his father. For a lesson in manhood, Smith did not turn to the streets, but learned from his stepfather.
“Mom did a fantastic job of cultivating our basic character, but it was my stepfather who taught me about finances, how to treat a woman and how to do things like change the oil in my car,” said Smith. “No one deserves special praise for caring for their children. But it says a lot about a man who raises kids that aren’t his.”
Today, Smith serves as executive director of the Indiana Civil Rights Commission.
Andrew Locke came from a two-parent home, but said although his father was physically there, he wasn’t there emotionally.
“When I was young, we used to throw the football around, things like that, but at around age 10, he just checked out,” said Locke.
He has confronted his father about his lack of support and said he is learning to let go of his bitterness especially concerning his father’s admirable involvement in Locke’s younger brother’s life.
“He’s realize his mistakes. I’m glad he’s there for my younger brother, but honestly, it still hurts a bit that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him,” said Locke.
Locke is slowly mending his relationship with his father.
Experts speak
As the President/CEO of the Fathers and Families Center, Wallace McLaughlin has heard the stories of many fatherless men and says Murphy, Smith and Locke’s stories are typical.
He said many men are fatherless due to reasons such as generational fatherlessness, decreased support from the extended family, men having children with multiple women, lack of education and most notably, lack of employment.
This breeds boys who grow up to be men that either rise above their situation and succeed or contribute to the ills in society.
“Often young boys in their trajectory toward adulthood, are looking for ‘man love,’” he said. “They have repressed anger that later becomes expressed anger.”
Richard Curry Jr., executive director of the Indiana Department of Correction and senior pastor of True Tried Missionary Baptist Church said many inmates he comes across don’t have fathers and believe they are incarcerated because of the lack of present fathers.
Prior to working for the IDOC, Curry spearheaded the Juvenile Detention Facility. He recalls Black boys being hostile toward men.
“They had never seen a man who was positive. Any time they saw a man either they were in and out of their life or doing harm to their mother,” said Curry.
In addition to resulting to crime, Curry said fatherless boys oftentimes have low self-esteem and lack coping skills.
McLaughlin added that fatherless men lack wisdom, guidance and council on important issues such as values, a strong work ethic, how to take care of finances and being a true leader.
Experts say women can teach some of those lessons, but they can only do so much.
“Not to negate women, but men and women have different roles. If we fulfill that role, we’ll have a holistic society,” said McLaughlin.
“The family is designed to have a mother and a father in the household,” added Curry. “There’s a void when the father is missing.”
Some would argue that although some men shirk their responsibilities, there are many informal and formal opportunities for men to mentor fatherless boys. Ontay Johnson, president of 100 Black Men of Indianapolis said the organization serves a large population of young men who are from single parent homes. Mentors invest in these young men because they understand the value of pouring their lives into the next generation of leaders.
“Our mentors serve as great role models, confidants, and in some cases, are surrogate fathers to many of the young men we serve. Some of our mentors recognize their own lives in the lives of the young men,” said Johnson.
McLaughlin said mentoring is admirable, but oftentimes, boys still yearn for the love and acceptance from their biological father.
The path to reconciliation
The “school to prison pipeline,” a national trend where children are funneled out of public schools and into the juvenile and criminal justice systems, are said to trace back to fatherless homes. Curry said prisons are always going to be needed for those who simply don’t follow societal rules, however the key to putting the pieces of the Black family back together is prevention.
McLaughlin said men who have skirted their responsibility should first believe in a better life for themselves and the next generation. They then should return to their families and attempt to mend relationships. They must stay consistent, though.
Men who need help in rebuilding fundamentals such as education, employment or how to foster relationships should seek help from one of Indianapolis’ many resources.
Emotional mending is also needed for fatherless males. McLaughlin said forgiveness is key to letting go of anger and resentment. Men can also choose not to be like their fathers and break the cycle.
Although Locke does not have children and is mending his relationship with his father, he volunteers his time at a local high school boy’s wrestling program.
Murphy has chosen to break the cycle of fatherlessness by being persistent in directing his sons on a positive path.
Smith also volunteers his time as a coach and mentor and relishes every possible moment with his children.
“As an adult who has a wife and children, I can’t see how any man could physically walk away from their kids. It’s so much that happens, and I’m not away, I’m at work,” said Smith. “There’s no excuse for a dad not being there.”
