Many parents of athletes want their child to be No. 1, but according to Dr. Rob Bell, a sport psychology coach, the best way to help a child perform better is to back off. Cutting the athletic cord as soon as possible will also teach the child lessons they can carry over in life.
The Indianapolis Recorder Newspaper spoke with Bell, who recently authored Don’t “Should” On Your Kids: Build Their Mental Toughness. Bell discusses the types of parents the book is geared toward and offers some suggestions on how parents can truly help their child athlete.
Indianapolis Recorder Newspaper: What prompted the idea to write a book about this sort of topic?
Bell: I work with so many athletes, coaches and teams. I was actually at a golf event and I realized I was missing a piece on educating parents on what they could do to help their kids become mentally tough. Sports have changed so much in the past years, but parenting styles haven’t evolved with it.
Explain the parenting styles you notice.
There’s vicarious parents and then supportive parents. The vicarious parents are those who are living and dying on every shot. They get so wrapped up in rankings and statistics. They live through their kid, but the supportive parent lives with their kid. They allow them to make mistakes and allow them to struggle. They’re more supportive. They’re not at the games or practices trying to coach from the stands. They’re more focused on the long-term development sports can provide.
Why do the vicarious parents behave this way?
One, the price of school has increased. They’re looking at scholarships. The sports route could help alleviate that pressure. Sometimes parents are trying to reclaim their childhood and achieve the things they didn’t achieve. The other part is parents invest so much money and time into their child’s development, they expect a return on their investment. The default parenting style is “it’s my job to push them.” But then parents aren’t becoming parents, they’re becoming coaches.
What effect does the vicarious parent have on their child?
Well, it’s no longer fun. I think the kiss of death for a lot of athletes is that they’re good. An athlete that’s good but is not having fun, it’s only a matter of time before it comes crashing down. Sports are supposed to be fun, but we’ve begun specializing and putting kids on the fast track.
Who is the audience of Don’t “Should” On Your Kids?
The No. 1 audience is the vicarious parent, but the problem with that is sometimes the vicarious parents don’t know they behave that way. Coaches can buy this book and use this tool to help parents.
Your title is clever. How’d you come up with it?
(laughs) Yeah, don’t say it three times fast. I was at a couple practices and I kept hearing it from a parent. “You should do this,” “you need to be working on that.” Even in the type of language we use as parents, we put pressure on kids. The only thing we’re doing is taking our expectations and putting them on other people. As parents that’s the easiest thing to do, but it’s not helpful.
Explain the relationship between athlete mental toughness and parents’ behavior.
The big thing is letting them fail, experience setbacks, and letting it be about the kids rather than the parents. When they do struggle and mess up, they automatically want to do better, instead of being told how they have to get better. The big thing is how the parents make the kids feel after a setback. A lot of times parents want to blame the coaches, refs or someone else, and you don’t build mental toughness that way. It also builds up the notion that mom or dad will take care of it.
What are other important key points in Don’t “Should” On Your Kids?
Parents shouldn’t put so much emphasis on the short term. We’ve got to get the skills and all the things sports teaches like fun, character, leadership and communications. But if the only thing we emphasize is winning and rankings, it’s not going to work. The other thing is the car ride home. If parents can implement this technique of not talking about the game or practice on the car ride home, I think relationships will get better.
What’s a good way for parents to understand their style and begin the process of helping their athlete in a more positive way?
It begins with what’s the goal of kids participating in sports. Do we want them to play in college or do we want them to have a good experience and learn all the things sports teach? What’s the goal of the game? The biggest thing is to just enjoy this time with your kids.
