While trends suggest that many people are getting married at older ages, there is a segment of the population that has bucked that trend. Unfortunately, many of these individuals find themselves divorced before they reach the age of 35.
The Recorder talked with two individuals on why their marriages ended and also talked with experts on common reasons why young marriages fail.
High school sweethearts
Vanessa White had known her husband, Hollis, at an early age and when they were juniors in high school, things became more serious.
“What was the most impressive about him was that he wasn’t about sex. He wanted to get to know me,” said Vanessa.
Their relationship continued throughout high school and while Vanessa attended Purdue University. In 2005 she became pregnant with their first child.
“I was excited and thought it was OK because I was out of school and embarking on a career. Looking back, I was ignorant,” said Vanessa.
Although Hollis and Vanessa had a long-term relationship, Hollis constantly questioned her loyalty. She believed having a child with him would solidify her faithfulness to him. This was also the period of time when the “good times” were ending. Prior to their daughter’s birth, they enjoyed one another’s company. After, he wasn’t around very much.
A few years later, they had a second child. Things began to go further downhill. Despite this, Vanessa and Hollis chose to reconcile their relationship and get married.
“I wanted to make things right with God and set a good example for our kids. I was getting older and didn’t like calling him my boyfriend. For legal purposes I thought it was a good idea. Plus we had been together for so long,” said Vanessa.
They got married on Nov. 30, 2011.
When asked what went wrong after the wedding, Vanessa said Hollis was an alcoholic. She said she tried to get him help.
“My dad is an alcoholic so I grew up with that. I grew up with resentment for my mom because she would continuously leave him and go back. I vowed to never do that to my kids,” said Vanessa.
In addition to the alcoholism, the couple argued constantly and throughout the relationship, Hollis didn’t keep a steady job and had a volatile temper.
After a violent incident that involved a weapon, Vanessa decided to divorce Hollis. At Recorder press time, the couple is separated and is in the process of settling financial issues in the divorce process.
Unbalanced needs
Tyson Gibson met his wife, Elena, while attending Indiana University. They too began their relationship as friends and decided to date years later.
“It was lots of things I liked about her. We were both coming out of bad relationships, we talked a lot, hung out more and that’s when things blossomed,” said Tyson.
After graduating from IU, the then happy couple decided to move to Indianapolis, his hometown, together. Tyson had difficulty finding a job, but eventually found ample employment.
He said due to his lack of employment followed by working too hard put a strain on the relationship, but he and Elena decided to make their situation work. They purchased a home together and since they were building a life as a couple, Tyson decided to ask Elena to be his wife.
“It was important for us to move along in our relationship. Plus living together and not being married wasn’t good,” said Tyson.
Elena and Tyson were married Sept. 3, 2005.
For Tyson, things became worse after the wedding. Elena didn’t want Tyson to spend time with his friends or his family. Almost every weekend, Tyson and Elena spent time with her family who lived an hour outside of Indianapolis.
“She believed her family was our family and my family was my family,” he said.
Although Tyson’s relationships outside of Elena became strained, he remained loyal and faithful to his wife. He said he did everything he was supposed to as a man and husband, but these actions weren’t reciprocated. He also said Elena’s family recognized his marital efforts, but at times, she would pick arguments in front of them so they could see his “bad side” and dislike him.
In 2010 Tyson and Elena had a son. Seven months later, the relationship ended. On a family vacation, Elena was being mean and disrespectful. Tyson had had enough. They had a disagreement and Elena said, “I’m done.”
He said later on, he discovered that Elena wanted to leave the marriage well before she called it quits. She had reconnected with an old boyfriend and was building a relationship with him.
“Throughout the relationship, she would say ‘you need me.’ With her filing seven months after our son was born, she made it a point that I would have to need her to get my son,” said Tyson. “When I want to talk to him, I have to go through her. When there’s visitation, I have to wait on her.”
According to their custody agreement, Elena is to drop off their son and Tyson is to bring him back. He is also allotted various holidays. She continuously makes this and other aspects of their son’s life difficult for Tyson.
Tyson said the divorce process left him confused. He didn’t know why she was so displeased with him; angry because Elena filed shortly after their son was born; how she uses their son as a pawn; and that he had allowed her to drive a wedge between his family and friends.
Their divorce became final Sept. 7, 2011. Tyson said he is gradually healing from this divorce.
Experience is the best teacher
Divorce attorney, Tara Melton said although she deals with a wide age range of couples who are wanting to divorce, one thing she finds common among young couples is that they have not “lived enough life” prior to getting married and aren’t prepared for what marriage is really all about.
“I see young people getting married who have never paid a bill or never lived on their own,” said Melton. “They didn’t have responsibility before the marriage so you don’t know what their financial habits are like. Some get married to get out their parents house or because they’ve just graduated college and don’t have a job.”
In addition to her private practice, Melton is also a public defender. She says she represents a significant number of young couples whose children are involved in the Department of Child Services. The similarities between these individuals are that they are struggling financially.
Other issues Melton sees with young married couples is “baby mama” or “baby daddy” drama and in-laws, mostly the mother, too involved in the young couple’s marriage.
A major issue she finds is when youth marry people who are unemployed or underemployed.
“If they didn’t work before, don’t expect a miracle to happen now, especially if you were footing everything before,” she said.
Melton said surprisingly, infidelity isn’t a top reason for divorce among her clients. She does say that among people she knows and clients, usually the wife is the one who cheats. And usually, if infidelity does happen, she said that act is a manifestation of a deeper issue.
Suzanne Coyle, executive director of the Christian Theological Seminary Counseling Center and also the program director of the school’s marriage and family therapy program, said although the school offers pre-marital counseling, many young couples she sees try to get help after they’ve said their vows instead of working out issues before they say I do.
While reasons why young couples’ marriages don’t survive vary, Melton said young couples have unrealistic expectations about marriage and believe they can change the other person and often settle on a mate. By the time they get to her office, they are angry and bitter.
Other attorneys don’t hold similar standards, but Melton said she won’t take a divorce case if she doesn’t believe the individual is ready, has vindictive desires; or is filing to call their spouse’s bluff.
Among cases she does take on, Melton said older couples typically battle it out over items like pensions and 401(k’s). Younger couples typically argue over the children or use them as pawns.
Melton said she is a Christian, and understands Christian values among marriages, but doesn’t believe “couples should stay in bad marriages because their pastor said so.” She certainly doesn’t believe people should remain in abusive marriages.
If people decide they should in fact leave, Coyle said they should first get counseling. If they still want to file, the divorcing party should make sure they are truly prepared for what is to follow. The filer should also forgive their spouse and really contemplate their true reasons for getting a divorce.
“If they made the decision to get divorced in anger, that’s not the time to do it. Because when you’re angry, you’re looking for emotional justice. Courts don’t give emotional justice,” said Melton. “You want a peaceful split because life goes on after this.”
She added that couples wanting to divorce should choose their attorney wisely because they can oftentimes add to the pettiness, nastiness and stress of a divorce.
Names of various individuals have been changed for their protection.
National marriage and divorce rate trends
Provisional number of marriages and marriage rate: United States, 2000-2011
Year Marriages Population Rate per 1,000 total population
2011 2,118,000 311,591,917 6.8
2010 2,096,000 308,745,538 6.8
2009 2,080,000 306,771,529 6.8
2008 2,157,000 304,093,966 7.1
2007 2,197,000 301,231,207 7.3
20061 2,193,000 294,077,247 7.5
2005 2,249,000 295,516,599 7.6
2004 2,279,000 292,805,298 7.8
2003 2,245,000 290,107,933 7.7
2002 2,290,000 287,625,193 8.0
2001 2,326,000 284,968,955 8.2
2000 2,315,000 281,421,906 8.2
1 Excludes data for Louisiana.
Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Top causes for divorce and marriage breakdowns
1. Infidelity
2. Breakdown in communication
3. Physical, psychological or emotional abuse
4. Financial issues
5. Sexual incompatibility
6. Boredom in the marriage
7. Religious/cultural differences
8. Child rearing issues
9. Drug/alcohol addiction
10. Difference in priorities and expectations
11. Unwillingness to try/loss of interest
12. Age at marriage
13. Abandonment
14. Inability to resolve conflict
15. Differences in personal and career goals
